


King of Hearts

by Saoirse Mooney (achuislemochroi)



Series: Narniafic [39]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Angst, Introspection, M/M, POV Caspian X, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-20 23:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11931450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achuislemochroi/pseuds/Saoirse%20Mooney
Summary: It takes Caspian time to realise that the way he feels about Ed is different from how he feels about the other Pevensies.





	1. Knave

**Author's Note:**

> Filmverse, I suppose. This part is short; the second (set during _Dawn Treader_ ) is rather longer.

Something is different about how you behave towards Ed. Compared to how you treat his siblings, that is. And it’s been this way ever since you met him. You don’t know how long it took you to first realise this, but once you do it’s all you can think about. And you’ve spent months running scenarios in your head, deciding how you’d act if you ever see Ed again. But none of it helps you decide what to do _now_.

What you want is to achieve the near-impossible: Ed’s re-appearance in your life. Never what you’d call fortunate in matters of the heart, you nevertheless think about it constantly, catching yourself day-dreaming about what it would be like. You don’t dare believe you will ever be in the same reality as him again.

Before this, before Ed, you thought you wouldn’t find anyone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. That misconception lasted until you first met Edmund Pevensie when he and his siblings answered Queen Susan’s Horn during the uprising against your uncle. You liked him from the moment you met him, and wanted to get to know him better. The fact you got on so well together sparked the thought deep in your brain of whether there couldn’t be something deeper, something _more_ , between you.

Once you realised what that meant, and worked out you wanted Ed as something more than a friend, you’d been uncomfortable with the idea. Until you felt comfortable in your own head, you held yourself back from interacting with Ed for as long as you dared. You suspect this both upset and confused him.

Much of the problem was the fact you’d known Ed for a handful of days at most, by that point, and you were unwilling to admit he had the potential to undo you. Nor did you yet want to acknowledge how he could bring you, both metaphorically and literally, to your knees.

Denial like that, deliberate and sustained, has the potential to bring you nothing but misery. Because the more you saw of Ed, the more you wanted him. Giving in to what you wanted, which you knew even as you were falling for him would happen as soon as you had even the whisper of a chance, would be out-of-control and messy. Your family, your inexperience with relationships, your position; all of these things and more would make sure of that. Which is probably why you’d found denial easier to cope with then. And before you could articulate, even to yourself, what you wanted from Ed beyond friendship Aslan pulled the two of you apart and sent Ed back to his own world.

***

You will see him again, although it won’t be for some time. And _long_ before you see him again you will find yourself despairing that it will even happen.

It will be a long, lonely, three years.


	2. King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as you have the chance, you engineer it so you can spend time with him alone, and ever since then you’ve been flirting with him, on and off, trying to make up for lost time.

It has been a long and lonely three years.

But now Ed is back with you again, for as long as Aslan permits. And you suspect ‘as long as Aslan permits’ means he may well not be with you as long as you want him to be. After three years without him, though, you are sure you know what you want. You might not know how to get there from where you are, but you know what you _want_. You think about it for a while. But your decision, which comes almost straight away, is that you don’t want to think about it too much or for too long. Once you think about solutions for the situation, you’ll be able to rationalise your way out of it. And _that_ won’t get you anywhere with Ed.

It takes time to adjust to this reality, one you'd never let yourself believe you'd have. And for the first few days of your re-acquaintance you think the answer is not to even try to make a move on Ed. Aslan may well pull the two of you apart again, just like last time. And if he does, it’s possible doing nothing is the better choice. You have no heir; becoming involved with Ed, desperate as you are to do just that, will do nothing to solve the problem. So, with heavy reluctance, you consider leaving things as they are.

But things happen to change that. Or, to be more precise, Pug & Co. happen. The absolute terror you feel when Pug’s cronies tear Ed from your side makes things much simpler. When you ask yourself what you want out of this, the answer is always the same. You want Ed, and to hell with everything else. So when the threat from Pug & Co. is over, you carve yourself some time alone with Ed and you take the risk. You pull Ed closer to you until he’s flush against you, and then you kiss him.

You’d meant it only as a quick kiss, over in a heartbeat. But when faced with the reality of kissing him, you change your mind. Because, once you know how it feels to have your lips on his and have him kiss you back, you find you don’t want to stop. It feels as if the two of you have become a single person, and you’re no longer certain where you end and he begins.

When you can’t decide whether to stop or to continue, Ed decides for you. You feel his hands slide into your hair and pull you closer still. And when you feel the first tentative brush of his tongue against your own, you know this was the right thing to do. Once you are sure of that, the conscious decision to lose yourself in him is the easiest thing in the world.

The kiss that follows is hard and deep as you try to pour everything of yourself into it. You’re tired of having to keep up the impression you don’t care for, or about, him. Sick of trying to smother the bloody obvious, you can’t hide what you feel for him any longer. The unconvincing, unsatisfying gloss of being his friend is killing you. All this and more goes into that kiss, which soon becomes frantic from sheer need.

You’ve never been good at articulating your thoughts about Ed and what he is to you. But you want to let all the barriers come down between you. Even if letting yourself be that vulnerable with him isn’t in your best interests. If you let Ed in and allow yourself to love him, it will hurt beyond the telling of it when he leaves you. And it will happen, someday; whether you or he want, or are happy about, it is irrelevant. The worst thing about it is all the wishing in the world won’t make a blind bit of difference to the outcome.

_Joy now, pain later._ That will always be the deal, and you both know it. But what decides you is the knowledge that losing Ed will hurt, regardless. And you have two options. Isn’t it better to be with him now, and treasure the memory of it later, than keep yourself apart from him and regret it? Because it’s in your hands to decide the depth of the pain when he’s gone.

You break the kiss, gasping for breath.

But you’re not yet willing to lose the contact with Ed or to stop touching him, so you clutch at him when he tries to move away from you. Holding him to you with one hand, you use the other to brush along his face, his neck, his collarbone. You’re after any bare skin you can reach; having come this far already, you’re not about to back down. Especially since you’re fast finding out you can’t stop touching him. You aren’t even sure you want to try.

His skin under your fingers feels too good. Then his hands begin to touch you in return, learning the pattern of your body for the first time. And at the feel of his fingers on your skin, you fight to remember how to breathe. In fact, you go so still he almost stops. You’d never dreamt it could feel so good to touch the man with whom you’re in love and have him touch you in return.

_In love._

How far you’ve come already, to admit that. Even if it’s only to yourself.

‘Ed.’

You breathe his name in a tone you’ve never heard yourself use before. Even to you, your voice sounds as if it’s dropped at least an octave in timbre. You feel him shiver against you in response, and can’t help your sudden grin.

You’ve wrestled with your inner demons and come out victorious; you know what sort of man you are. And because of it you know what you want, and you’re prepared to do what’s necessary to get it.

You’ll listen to him and give him emotional support, as you have always done. But you want to be more to him than that. The version of you who held nothing but platonic feelings towards Ed disappeared, after all, soon after you met him. Now you’ve had a taste of him, you want to continue to touch and taste and hold him. You want to hold him up (or hold him down).

You don’t want to be just his friend any more and haven’t wanted to be for a long time. Why? It’s simply not enough for you, and never will be again. No, you don’t want to be his _friend_.

You want to be his lover.

  



End file.
